Dig this. I’m going way out on a limb here, I know, but I feel it my duty as Omniscient Observer to announce to you today that the Internet is changing the landscape of banking as we now know it, that every thrift wants to be a bank, and that competition is getting fiercer all the time. Call me a radical, a cutting edge blaspheme if you will, but that’s the pulse this in-the-know Doctor of Dish is picking up.
But save the angst for your overpaid and undersmart shrink, Fair Reader, because I’m chock-full o’ lifesaving, laser-beam insight and I stand prepared to share the wisdom with you for free. Better face it, rubes – to keep up with today’s locomotive-paced banking industry, you gotta grab the coattails of a Top Shelf Operator like myself and hold on for dear life. I’m connected and I’m hell-bent on laying the latest low-down on you. Don’t get caught in your next ABA buffet line without committing my “What’s Hot and What’s Not in Banking” to your long term:
|
|
HOT |
NOT |
MY TAKE |
| Understanding and Selling to Customers |
e-CRM tools |
Branch managers, data warehouse, MCIF, call center and branch platform software |
Projects get no respect, props, or attention without an “e” prefix or CRM stamped on it somewhere. Heed. |
| “Business” |
“Space” |
“Market” |
Get it straight or be cruelly jeered by your sales force, er, In-Branch Product Consultants. |
| Goal of Retail Portals |
Customer retention |
Revenue generation |
Play the retention card early and often or have your CFO kick sand in your face. |
| Offsite Data Processing |
“ASP” |
“Service bureau” |
You don’t still use the word “davenport” for “couch,” do you? |
| Layoffs… |
…as a cause of earnings problems |
…to correct earnings problems |
Read on and learn. |
| High Yielding Loans… |
…as a cause of earnings problems |
…to correct earnings problems |
Keep up. It’s all in the spin, baby. |
| Mergers and Acquisitions… |
…as a cause of earnings problems |
…to correct earnings problems |
Synergy schmynergy – these things are expensive! |
| Dress Code |
Zoot Suit Wednesday and Pantsless Thursday |
Jeans Friday |
Extra Gonzo points if you submit pics of your most blatant, immodest dress code violator. |
Smokin’ hot ammo for salvos of hip banking banter, GonzoMongers. Word.
-smh